...and I think its about, Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore.
Shout out to eighties power ballads. I've found myself singing this song to myself a number of times over the years. Something about power ballads. There seems to be one for every mood and feeling under the sun.
I love what I'm learning. I'm so happy to have found that something that I'm so excited and passionate about, I actually want to do research, and want to get a Masters in it. It is exhausting but enthralling all at the same time. I may not make a lot of money from it, but I have found a new level of happiness and satisfaction in it that I have never felt or believed possible before, even in studying things that would make me filthy rich. This life is so so short. I'd rather have my life full of knowledge, happiness and satisfaction than money. I just hope that Justin can find something that makes him this happy too!
The downside of what I'm learning, is the new vision it has given me of the world. Knowledge is power as they say, and in my case, I'm finding that sometimes I'd almost rather be ignorant. I'm studying human development, human relationships. Familial and marital relationships are especially intriguing to me. I love doing research and learning about what makes relationships work, and what makes them fail. I've discovered a lot. A lot of fascinating, yet sadly accurate things.
For example, parental and peer approval of a relationship is especially significant for women in predicting relationship and marital satisfaction. For boys, peer approval has little influence on future behaviors, but again, has a significant effect on long term relationship satisfaction and devotion.
It breaks my heart. As Don Henley so profoundly put it, "I've been trying to get down to the Heart of the matter but my will gets week And my thoughts seem to scatter"
The heart of the matter:
Love of giving, without receiving anything in return: Good concept, good ambition, but in relationships, only good if both people in the relationship follow it. And if one party in the relationship EXPECTS endless giving, and is use to not having to reciprocate much in return, you have a HUGE problem. When a relationship is new, this is easy to do, but it WILL NOT SUSTAIN a relationship. It is like rowing a canoe from only one side. You won't go anywhere.
The people that love you want you to be happy: They don't want to hurt. They have shown love and unwavering loyalty in innumerable instances, and have earned your trust. It hurts to see their thoughts and good intentions so carelessly cast aside and rejected. It hurts them to see the people they love turn in to parrots instead of strong independent thinkers. It hurts them to see the people they loved treated poorly, or moving forward blindly. The good things in your life should enhance relationships with those individuals, not make them deteriorate. Studies have shown that, statistically, arranged marriages fare better than marriages for "love" and in the end "love" all by itself is a VERY bad reason to get married. Not that love isn't important, but that there need to be more meat, more give to a relationship than just love. Couples that reported having parents and family who approved of their relationship had greater relationship satisfaction and commitment, and lower rates of divorce and separation.
Since the people that love you want you to be happy, you shouldn't have to make excuses: We've all heard them, we all know them know them by heart. Life is hard enough without having to make excuses for someones behavior. Perfection is not expected. It is fine that you or they have problems, but you should not make excuses for problem behavior. Making excuses just shows that you are unable to see a problem for what it really is, which also shows your inability to look at things realistically in their present form and problem solve. This inability to see a problem as a problem and not an excuse can be in and of itself is the biggest problem of all. (These are not the mindless rants of a sad girl by the way, I have research and facts to back up everything I say.)
You should be able to think and decide things for yourself: Anything or person that tells you how to think, feel, and respond to events in your life, or thoughts and feelings you have is OUT OF ORDER. In the feild of family sciences we call it psycological control. True unselfish love should want you to follow your thoughts, ponder on ideas you have, and give you the opportunity to find peace, certainty and discover things for yourself. By not doing so, you are giving your agency away. Instead of trying to allow a Heavenly Father to move and inspire you, you are allowing a third party to dictate everything you do. That is SO WRONG. You should be independently thinking out things for yourself, and INDEPENDENTLY and privately consult those whom Heavenly Father has given stewardship over you. Namely; Heavenly Father Himself, your local religious leader, and YOUR PARENTS.
You need to be in a place to understand your Makers will for you: Now this one is not based on research, just my personal testimony. As a Mormon and a Christian, I truly believe that Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. I believe that he sends us new, personal instruction daily, hourly and even minutely. I've also seen first hand how loud the world is, and how easy it is to allow that small, pure voice to get blocked out by all the other loud voices of the world and the natural man. Failing to really listen, to put ourselves in a position where we can really hear his voice, results in heart break, pain, and inexplicable sadness. He gives us options, and asks us to bring them to him, to honestly ponder and pray about them. Blatant disregard for this pattern, and the paths He has laid out for us is like throwing the happiness he offers us in his face. A blatant disregard for his will and plan for us. He loves us, and wants us to be happy. If we want to be happy, we need to trust Him, and be honest with Him and ourselves.
He also has set forth a time and a place for all things. The beautiful covenant made when a man and woman marry are what make the spiritual things we do as a couple effective. Often, when this covenant is not present, when the proper order of things is not observed, we can mistake the feelings of the spirit for validation for things we shouldn't be doing. It is easy to get confused into thinking that since we are doing something good, other things we are doing that are not so good are okay too. Spiritual things before marriage are meant to be performed and sought privately, so that the Lord can speak to us privately, personally. Otherwise, as I've said, it becomes too difficult to differentiate between the spirit and our own intense emotions.
My heart is so sad. I have prayed and pleaded for peace and happiness, I want it so so badly. I want to support with my whole heart. I once met a man, who the very first time I met, I thought, "Wow. This man could be a leader of legions someday if he plays his cards right." I met a man who could inspire others to greater heights and bring out in them the very best and most they had to offer. I met one of the very best men I have ever met. i miss and am sad for him. But I still think he can be. I'm not praying for a change of situation, just the right situation. just changed eyes, deeper understanding, and a changed, more honest view of things. For greater trust and truer friendships, and a greater willingness to value more, appreciate better, listen better, and be better
